Why Does Grief Hurt So Much?
Emotions that arise when we grieve can often feel surprising. Some days they are intense, some days they are mild. This experience can also be confusing, one may experience themself grieving an abusive relationship, another may experience feeling relief that their loved one is no longer suffering. Needless to say, grief is complicated. But why does it hurt so much?
Grief hurts because it’s personal, it forces us to accept a new reality, a new “normal”. Grief also hurts because others don’t understand, or our grief doesn’t feel “warranted”. But most importantly, grief hurts because your body experiences your loss with you too.
When you’re grieving, a flood of neurochemicals and hormones are prancing around in your head. This disruption of hormones in your body results in disturbed sleep, loss of appetite, fatigue, and anxiety. Imaging studies of the brain show that the same brain regions that are affected in a traumatic brain injury, are also activated by deep emotional pain such as the pain we experience with grief. This is the far-reaching impact of traumatic loss on our bodies and brains.
Identifying the Different Kinds of Grief
The common denominator among all types of grief is loss. However, grief may take different shapes for different people. Grief, although a normal human emotion, should be transitory. It will be painful, but it should be something that one is able to eventually overcome and live through, and with. There is no “right way” to grieve, however, it is important to list out some common types of grief, and when it may be important for you to seek support on the matter.
What is the Grief Process?
Kubler Ross, a grief expert, developed a model to explain the grieving process as most commonly experienced. However, it is important to remember that your pain and the relationship to the thing or being you lost is unique to you. Some folks may or may not go through these stages, some may go through 2 of them and not all. The lines of these stages are blurred and there is no specific time frame for how long these stages should last. Whatever time it takes for you, is exactly the pace at which you need to be.
Denial
Denial may be the self-questioning of whether this is your reality at all. “Could this even be real?”. A defense mechanism that helps you buffer the immediate reaction to what you may experience as a shock.
Anger
With anger, we may ask “why me?” “what did I do to deserve this?” It’s not rare to also feel anger toward the situation or the person you lost. Your rational mind might understand the person isn’t to blame. However, emotionally you resent them for leaving you or causing you pain.
Bargaining
This may be a way for us to hold on to hope when experiencing deep pain. We think to ourselves “what if I did x” or “what if I said Y”.
Depression
Depression as with all the stages may be experienced or witnessed in many different ways. There is no right or wrong way to go about it. Depression is a natural response to grief and may present as fatigue, sleep disruption, low motivation, loss of appetite.
Acceptance
This is not about “getting over it or moving on”. This is more about how we acknowledge our loss. It is how we learn to adapt and live with that loss. And, how we readjust our life in response to it. This doesn’t mean anger or sadness may never be felt again, just that you accept these are natural emotions to experience and they are transitory.
“Grief can be categorized as many other faces, however, at the core of this experience is that it is messy. Rather than a linear progression of stages, grief is more like a roller coaster of feelings and emotions - without a set schedule for when it ends. Over time the intensity of grief may diminish, and spaces of time between moments of sadness widen. Eventually, most people are able to adapt to this loss and find different ways to experience and find meaning in their lives.”
How Can You Healthily Manage Grief?
Nourish your body
It is important to maintain healthy eating, drinking, sleep, and exercising habits. Not only do these things make us instantaneously feel better, they equip us to help support those that we are sharing this grief.
Consider journaling
Since grief manifests in so many different ways, and those “ways” may not be societally acceptable. Journaling allows you to unburden yourself of all of your raw emotions, without the filter of societal pressures. It allows you to step back, and reflect on your perspectives, and possibly even challenge yourself.
Recreate the connection
Not with others, but with yourself. The difficulty isn’t in letting go of your loved ones but finding ways to hold on to them. Celebrate their lives with others, memorialize them, reflect on moments you shared, call upon their laughter and zeal for life.
Seek professional help With Grief COunseling in New York, New Jersey, or Connecticut
Sometimes we may feel stuck in our grief, and when we do, a grief counselor or therapist can help gently make us feel unstuck. They will hold our hands through our pain, provide language for things that make us feel confused, and help us live with our loss, as opposed to living in it. Therapy is the one place where you are allowed to express your emotions without the pressures of managing the emotions of the person listening. It allows you to take the time to process your emotions better.
Our Grief Counseling Services Offered in
New Jersey, New York, or Connecticut
“We invite you in to support you through the many challenges that grief brings to our lives. Our grief therapists, many of whom are specialized in grief, support folks through their grief process and are here to create a space of non-judgment and safety. Our team is comprised of multi-disciplinary professionals that can help meet you exactly where you are at, in a manner that is best suited for you. Our therapists are experts in trauma-informed, inclusive, and culturally informed care”
INDIVIDUAL THERAPY
In individual psychotherapy, your therapist will help you process personal loss and trauma. EMDR therapy is one of many EBP’s that help with processing traumatic loss. Click here to learn more.
Marriage Counseling and COUPLES THERAPY
Marriage counseling and couples therapy will allow you to process a more ambiguous type of loss experienced through anticipated separation, or divorce. Click here to learn more.
MATERNAL Wellness SPECIALISTS
Repose Therapy also has specialists who work with the unique grief attributed to fertility struggles, miscarriages, perinatal, postpartum depression, infant, or child loss. Click here to learn more.
Art THERAPY
Grief, like any other emotional pain, can be felt in the body. It is experienced emotionally, sensory, and physically. Art therapy allows individuals who are grieving the opportunity to process their multi-faced grief. Art therapy surpasses cognitive conversation and allows us to process grief through creative means. It is less the outcome of the art that is important, but more so the process. Folks are able to expel their emotions onto a piece of paper, or through the creation of a sculpture. Your therapist then will help in facilitating dialogue if needed to help you process these emotional blocks in the safety of the therapeutic environment. Click here to learn more.
FAMILY THERAPY
Family Therapy will allow your family to process loss as a system. Whether it be the loss of a family member, the loss of identity, home, or culture.
Dance & Movement THERAPY
As we seek to piece our lives together after loss, the expressive arts can heal us by creating a place for rest for the bits and pieces of fragmented memories flooding through our minds. If even only for a moment, the expressive arts allow us to lean into these memories, thoughts, and feelings, an opportunity to be heard, felt and seen. Every time we allow ourselves to engage with the arts, we give ourselves room to breathe, we give ourselves a break, and respite from the pain that may need expression beyond what words can offer. Click here to learn more.
What can you expect from our process
Schedule a clinical
consultation with our Concierge Team
We make it simple to find support. Conveniently self-schedule a 15-minute consultation so we can mutually determine if we are a match. In this call, we will gather information in the most efficient and sensitive way possible to learn about your reasons for seeking therapy and match you with a therapist that is the right fit for you.
Attend a
somatic intake session with a Somatic Intake Practitioner
During this intake at Repose Therapy in New York, Connecticut, or New Jersey, our somatic intake practitioner will get a baseline of your body and your experience with somatic symptoms. This allows your therapist and you to start your journey with Repose from a place of somatic awareness.
Meet with your
Repose Therapist and begin healing
It’s time to begin the collaborative work of therapy with someone who supports and understands you. You will meet with your therapist weekly to address the wounds you wish to heal. After the initial session with your therapist, our concierge team will follow up with you to ensure you had a positive experience.
Are you asking yourself,
“Will this grief ever go away?”
Download this resource to help identify what is going on and what actionable steps to take. Or begin grief counseling in New Jersey, New York, or Connecticut for more support!
